Just an illusion. Some sort of existence, created by neurons that does not translate in the physical here. Yet, in my heart – something is aching. Something repetitively disrupting the flow of my thoughts and causing a sense of loss – unexplained loss.
Maybe my heart is just a mere construction of neurons as well.
This is how I could define the abruptness of dating in the metropolitan cities. There are no traces, no explanations – just an abrupt ending. It is like a fantasy. The other is erased out of everyday. Completely. No smiles, no meeting of the eyes, no looking over the shoulder – it is all lost in the maze of millions. Millions of people, cars, shops, tube stations, without an intersecting reality. Traces of individuals moving simultaneously without crossover.
Moving together in the forms of physical or digital presence and then, suddenly, none. No vibrations, no symbols … dead end silence.
But perhaps, there was something real. As my brain, like an old tape record is replaying the same imagery, just with different details. And questions of friends are echoing in my ears: “Where is the cute guy, you kissed in that bar?’
At peace. Or perhaps an overwhelming passivity of the current state/situation.
The effects of London living have etched a deep hole and resistance in me in experiencing stress or simply caring of what’s happening around. This too shall pass. Constant tiredness is a state of everyday. Yet, my body is begging me to stop – to pause and recharge – by inflicting aching in my head, thighs, fingertips, back, throat and cheeks. A never ending to-do list, walking, walking, walking, hard seating, cold and heat an sun kisses.
Cambridge is a lovely place – with lowkey gossip, caring colleagues and eager faces to see/to learn/to be.
Being back in the normal – beautiful, clean and peaceful… makes me cringe of going back. Yet, it encourages seeking for better and to not accept less, not to be satisfied by something less.
The desire to love and be loved. To be and to share, and feel and rest…and be OK.
A gift is something that is given without the intention of being paid back, almost without an intention of reciprocation. It takes away the individual self-absorption and provides a space for connection – a creation of something new, that wasn’t there yet.
Intimacy, collaboration and play. And creation. Creation of words, meanings, windows, ways of seeing and terrorising the surroundings with the affect of care and compassion. Being singular in the plural. Building, destroying, and recreating networks of interconnectedness. In selectivity, in coincidences. In silence, in confidence and in vulnerability. Opening up by closing down the barriers. By knowing and treating the within. By shutting down the noise.
Time…not in seconds, but moments and steps of the heartbeat (s).
“learning to be awkward, to be graceful, to leap, and to fall”
Living in becoming. Transitioning trough the states of life towards something ungraspable yet genuine and real, through bumps of awkwardness, silence and noise, through pits and holes of sadness and clumsiness into graceful, unselfish self.
The joy of reading, discussing.
An overarching anxiety.
These are the modes in my presence. I wish I could stay in the academic world forever.
I wish I could stay in the academic world forever. There is something ungraspably appealing about the discovery of a different way of thinking and perceiving reality. Challenge, discovery opens up a new vision and a different way of relating to the surroundings.
Yet, life in the metropolis is a never-ending rut if you attempt to engage. I know that I won’t be here forever. And perhaps, for the first time, it is bringing me peace rather than misery. A humane desire to attain and be in the middle of the best, the most exciting, the most giving something, the…, which is reachable by hand, is unsustainable with natural rhythms.
It can turn one into a constant consumer and steal away the ability to create and invent…
The time is precious.
A constant desire to be on top, to be in the middle of everything and the limited resources. Limited material resources that are depleting by months, weeks, days or even hours…
The natural need to connect, to be touched and touch. The need to be known and know. The need of an understanding and comfort. The need of connection.
Ubiquitous – existing or being everywhere at the same time : constantly encountered : widespread <a ubiquitous fashion>
1archaic : the capacity of orderly thought or procedure : rationality
2: verbal interchange of ideas; especially : conversation
3a : formal and orderly and usually extended expression of thought on a subjectb : connected speech or writingc : a linguistic unit (as a conversation or a story) larger than a sentence
4obsolete : social familiarity
5: a mode of organizing knowledge, ideas, or experience that is rooted in language and its concrete contexts (as history or institutions) <critical discourse>
Ontological – relating to the branch of metaphysics dealing with the nature of being:
Sediment – matter that settles to the bottom of a liquid; dregs.
A friend of mine offered to go and travel to another country. Another friend offered to go to youth conference. And one more other friend offered to go to yet another youth meeting. But all I want is to revisit and re-explore old places.
Two years of travelling (with some breaks of course) and changing continents, countries, jobs, apartments and everything that comes with that, and for the time being living in an 8+million city, I feel that my heart is aching for the old. It is aching for the opportunities to go deeper; invest, cherish and get to know the places, get to know faces beyond the ‘official’-get-to-know way, to know the cracks in the tiles on the way to work, to know the history of the buildings around, to laugh and share small daily joys and cry together when being hurt. with the same people. I love.
Constant newness is exhilarating. A glimpse of diverse lives – fascinating. And overwhelming at the same time.
It takes energy to get to know people. Knowing someone takes away a piece of one’s heart. Life becomes just pieces of fragments loosely connected. Connected just by you.
J.K. Gibson-Graham write about Anthropocene – an alternative way of living in this world. When human-nature dichotomy is replaced by belonging within the world. It is no longer them against it, but it becomes a part of you and you become a part of it. Recognising that a human being is not superior to nature but a part of it restores the perverted relationship that is dominated by human exploitation of their environment. The new relationship brings back the elements of care and love and replaces consumeristic approach of expropriating all possible value and constant requirement of newness. Everything can be appreciated more, renewed and looked after.
I wish to revisit and rediscover old places; reestablish my relationships, not into the ones that I used to have but into those that can drown me deeper, challenge, reward and enrich.