Internal battles

People – is the joy of my life and my own thoughts are my greatest devils.

Somehow, after coming back from the Spring Festival trip to Shanghai -Hangzhou-Nanjing everything started to seem pale, boring and just burdensome; every class as something to survive, and the time in between to wait. Yet, yesterday, after the class, I realised that the reality is much better than my internal projections. The 3-hour class (or two 1,5 hour classes one after the other, to be more precise) is something I fear the most and just try to somehow make through. But, those classes often are the most joyful classes during the week. Kids are always excited and eager to learn, and they always come prepared knowing last class words. Yesterday, they all gifted me with their hard-earned cookies that their other teacher awarded them for reciting the passage well…and it just melted my heart.

Today my thoughts took over me again. I started feeling unmotivated to do anything. It was my day off, so I just spent half of the day in bed, reading various articles, until I started feeling that it was time to go outside. So I went for a bike ride. Surprisingly the air quality was extremely good – just 80, and the sun was shining. Perfect weather for being outside. I understood all of the prices market people were telling and got all of the things I wanted. Not so bad. Then, after I came back, I saw Elena’s post of our walk by the Han and it just brought so much joy to my heart. Also, the day before I received Victoria’s postcard that highlighted the whole day.

I am so thankful for the wonderful friendships, for the people I have met and shared my life with. It is a gift from God that I did not earn and don’t deserve.

Yet, this too reassures me that it is time to go to where I belong, to be at least a little bit closer to the people I care about. People are not bad here. On the contrary, they are extremely welcoming and caring, and interested. Sometimes too much. I feel that I don’t have any more energy for superficial introductory-level conversations. There is a certain mastery and skill how to develop friendships beoynd the superficial without the spoken language skills, but I am not sure if I possess it. And the cultural onion is thick too.


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