Fear

Just now, I was randomly scrolling through Facebook posts before starting planning my lessons or working on my personal statement, when I hit on a post shared by my RD from Gordon. She describes a story from Bible:

“Thankfully, mercifully, something grabbed me. I picked up the story in Matthew’s gospel where I’ve been reading this year. My one-chapter-a-day that has gotten me to chapter 15 in 29 days. And I stubbed my toe upon a story–a true story with real people, as I was explaining to my wee one tonight. In it there is a man–but more than a man–he is both man and God. Jesus, they call him. And they follow him from everywhere–not because he is particularly good-looking or rich or outwardly powerful. It’s something else. Authority is the only word that seems to fit. He says things, and they happen. He speaks as if all of creation is his to describe, command, reclaim.

So the people have followed him for three days. Mostly because he is healing their sick. Some come carried on mats and go home carrying it themselves. Others are led by the hand and leave leading others. But these people can’t live on the miracles themselves, or so it seems. They need food. And there seems to be a few problems with this–at least as far as Jesus’ friends are concerned: 1) enough bread for this many would be A LOT 2) they are in the sticks, so to speak, where bread is not easily found 3) did we mention, Jesus, that there are A LOT of people here?

And true to form. Jesus does not solve their problem. He doesn’t do a tricky math equation to show how nothing plus nothing will equal everything. He asks a question: How many loaves do you have? 

Ridiculous.

Why does the number matter? There is no number of loaves that any one of Jesus’ disciples could have conceivably packed in their knapsacks that would have been ENOUGH. But they humor him.

Seven. They say. And some fish.

It feels kind of like rubbing it in. Like making a to-do list just to come to the realization that it’s too much.

But there was a point to all this. A point to Him leading his friends to the edge of impossible, inviting them to peer over the cliff. To feel the chasm of their inability, their powerlessness, their not enough. From there he does not pull out a better flow-chart for success than the ones they had been running with. He took what they had. He broke it. And he gave it back.

I’m amazed at that part–that he gave it back to them. When I picture this, I forget that part. I imagine the disciples sitting down on the ground, receiving the broken loaves from Jesus. But that’s not how it shook out. He wanted them to feel the real bread as it broke again and again in their hands. To see the crumbs fall to the ground. To feel the fatty fish flesh on their work-roughened hands. To look back at all those they’d fed and all those left to feed and to wonder at what point their loaves ran out and his began. To walk seamlessly in the footsteps of the miracle.” (full post)

It is about people always trying to figure out everything, trying to be in control of every step. When there is no God – there is fear. For those who are smart and can logically reason – there will always be fear because a human being is too limited in his/her own power. Only God can cast away all fears and make the impossible to be possible.

I don’t know what is next, and the unknown is frightening. I don’t know if I will get into the school I want, I don’t know if I will find a job…I don’t know what will be next. Yet, more and more I am reminded that I shouldn’t fear for God is here, with us. That that which is impossible can be made through Him – possible.

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