While in Cambridge

At peace. Or perhaps an overwhelming passivity of the current state/situation.

The effects of London living have etched a deep hole and resistance in me in experiencing stress or simply caring of what’s happening around. This too shall pass. Constant tiredness is a state of everyday. Yet, my body is begging me to stop – to pause and recharge – by inflicting aching in my head, thighs, fingertips, back, throat and cheeks. A never ending to-do list, walking, walking, walking, hard seating, cold and heat an sun kisses.

Cambridge is a lovely place – with lowkey  gossip, caring colleagues and eager faces to see/to learn/to be.

Being back in the normal – beautiful, clean and peaceful… makes me cringe of going back. Yet, it encourages seeking for better and to not accept less, not to be satisfied by something less.

The desire to love and be loved. To be and to share, and feel and rest…and be OK.

gifts

A gift is something that is given without the intention of being paid back, almost without an intention of reciprocation. It takes away the individual self-absorption and provides a space for connection – a creation of something new, that wasn’t there yet.

Intimacy, collaboration and play. And creation. Creation of words, meanings, windows, ways of seeing and terrorising the surroundings with the affect of care and compassion. Being singular in the plural. Building, destroying, and recreating networks of interconnectedness. In selectivity, in coincidences. In silence, in confidence and in vulnerability. Opening up by closing down the barriers. By knowing and treating the within. By shutting down the noise.

 

Time…not in seconds, but moments and steps of the heartbeat (s).

Becoming

“learning to be awkward, to be graceful, to leap, and to fall”

Living in becoming. Transitioning trough the states of life towards something ungraspable yet genuine and real, through bumps of awkwardness, silence and noise, through pits and holes of sadness and clumsiness into graceful, unselfish self.

Mumbling the presence

The joy of reading, discussing.

Tiredness.Constant exhaustion.

An overarching anxiety.

Social desire.

These are the modes in my presence. I wish I could stay in the academic world forever.

I wish I could stay in the academic world forever. There is something ungraspably appealing about the discovery of a different way of thinking and perceiving reality. Challenge, discovery opens up a new vision and a different way of relating to the surroundings.

Yet, life in the metropolis is a never-ending rut if you attempt to engage. I know that I won’t be here forever. And perhaps, for the first time, it is bringing me peace rather than misery. A humane desire to attain and be in the middle of the best, the most exciting, the most giving something, the…, which is reachable by hand, is unsustainable with natural rhythms.
It can turn one into a constant consumer and steal away the ability to create and invent…

The time is precious.

A constant desire to be on top, to be in the middle of everything and the limited resources. Limited material resources that are depleting by months, weeks, days or even hours…

The natural need to connect, to be touched and touch. The need to be known and know. The need of an understanding and comfort. The need of connection.

Words as signifiers

Ubiquitous – existing or being everywhere at the same time :  constantly encountered :  widespread <a ubiquitous fashion>

Discourse –

  1. 1archaic :  the capacity of orderly thought or procedure :  rationality

  2. 2:  verbal interchange of ideas; especially :  conversation

  3. 3a :  formal and orderly and usually extended expression of thought on a subjectb :  connected speech or writingc :  a linguistic unit (as a conversation or a story) larger than a sentence

  4. 4obsolete :  social familiarity

  5. 5:  a mode of organizing knowledge, ideas, or experience that is rooted in language and its concrete contexts (as history or institutions) <critical discourse>

Ontological – relating to the branch of metaphysics dealing with the nature of being:

“ontological arguments”
Sediment – matter that settles to the bottom of a liquid; dregs.

Old is better

A friend of mine offered to go and travel to another country. Another friend offered to go to youth conference. And one more other friend offered to go to yet another youth meeting. But all I want is to revisit and re-explore old places.

Two years of travelling (with some breaks of course) and changing continents, countries, jobs, apartments and everything that comes with that, and for the time being living in an 8+million city, I feel that my heart is aching for the old. It is aching for the opportunities to go deeper; invest, cherish and get to know the places, get to know faces beyond the ‘official’-get-to-know way, to know the cracks in the tiles on the way to work, to know the history of the buildings around, to laugh and share small daily joys and cry together when being hurt. with the same people. I love.

Constant newness is exhilarating. A glimpse of diverse lives – fascinating. And overwhelming at the same time.
It takes energy to get to know people. Knowing someone takes away a piece of one’s heart. Life becomes just pieces of fragments loosely connected. Connected just by you.

J.K. Gibson-Graham write about Anthropocene – an alternative way of living in this world. When human-nature dichotomy is replaced by belonging within the world. It is no longer them against it, but it becomes a part of you and you become a part of it. Recognising that a human being is not superior to nature but a part of it restores the perverted relationship that is dominated by human exploitation of their environment. The new relationship brings back the elements of care and love and replaces consumeristic approach of expropriating all possible value and constant requirement of newness. Everything can be appreciated more, renewed and looked after.

I wish to revisit and rediscover old places; reestablish my relationships, not into the ones that I used to have but into those that can drown me deeper, challenge, reward and enrich.

Illusions & Wine

Right now I am at home and am pretending to write an essay for my Theorizing the Commons class but the attempt is a failure so far. So, I am reading Medium instead.

This post on women and drinking inspired me to retrospectively look at my time in London – the city of everyone’s dreams – and to make some New Years resolutions.

It is always interesting to notice some habits within a culture. The very first time I came to London, I could not but think that this is such a drunkard culture – all the pubs and clubs around. 5 and a half years later, has my view changed? Yes and no. Most of the people who frequent pubs visit them to socialise. It is usually after work or later in the evening, so it’s a bit too late for coffee, and a bit cheaper than having dinner, and gives you a feeling that you earned it (and after some stressful days at the competitive environment seems to be needed.) Yet, even taking into consideration the fact that it is a common way for chill-out, still, there is a bit too much of casual drinking within the culture (or maybe just my environment).

Here are two examples when I found it to be too much:
After the last class of the Fall semester, which happened to be a museum visit, our tutor invited us to the pub. Well, nothing too wrong here, but the fact that the pub didn’t serve either food nor had any tea & coffee is. It was a pity to see my Asian classmates uncomfortably cornering in the pub with those pints of beer. And frankly, I wasn’t up for any alcohol that afternoon either.

The second example is the company’s Christmas party. We were doing Secret Santa. It cost me perhaps 5 hours of unwanted Christmas gift search to find something good to give to a girl I have never met. (I am new to the company). I chose something a bit boring but equally good to anyone (unless they don’t use smart technologies) and that that I would be happy to receive myself – an external battery. I was not obsessing over what I will get, but I was pleasantly curious to see what my gift will look like. And here you go. A bottle of champagne. To top it up – the company gave a bottle of wine to each employee as a Christmas present. And here I was – heading home with two bottles of alcohol. I was glad I had chosen to take a bus to the venue and not my bike – if I did – I would have probably broken at least one of the bottles. I guess, the gifts themselves are not that bad – I can always regift them to others, but the presupposition that everyone drinks – is.

To add a bit weight to my argument, another observation about the events at uni is that whenever there is a reception following any talk/book presentation/discussion it is either wine, water, juice and some crackers or just wine and water. Which shows that the one constant (with water option of course) is always wine. Where is the health promotion at UNI?

Thus the medium post and my observations prompted me to attempt to be more mindful of my own actions. I will try to:

1. Reduce the alcohol intake (I never really enjoyed booze anyway).
2. Drink less coffee (I am doing it too often and it is way too overpriced).
3. Wear a mask while cycling. (One of the things I noticed when landing in Lithuania, is how fresh the air in Lithuania is, and how polluted it is in London or at least SE London.)
4. Less procrastination.